Remembering...

Today I thought about a video we watched at DFocus last summer by John Lynch about choosing between the room of good intentions and the room of trust. I tried to find that video on youtube, but I found this one instead. It's not the exact same video but he brings up the same points:
John Lynch: works vs. grace

I love his transparency and his passion. The points he brings up in this video remind me of a phenomenal book called The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. If you haven't read it, you should put it at the top of your reading list.

Anyway, while I was reading through my journal that I kept last summer, I found some really sweet excerpts that made me remember some of the best moments of last summer. I thought it would be neat to share those excerpts here:

"Music is like the secret language that God uses to communicate with us. I love how he speaks to me with no words."

"Went to breakfast with Derrick. We talked about how God speaks to us in ways we don't expect sometimes, like through nature. He told me about God speaking to him at the overlook saying, "Don't Worry."

"All I want to do is lay down in green pastures beside still waters. Dear Lord, give rest to my soul."

"Went to bed last night coughing and exhausted. I hit a wall mentally, physically, and spiritually. Claire wrote me a letter that is making me think a lot. I don't know how to let God focus on just me right now."

"Getting up at 8am to run with Tiff. I'm so thankful for the ability to run and to learn discipline."

"Yesterday I got off work early and went hiking with James, Kevin, and Dustin up Clingman's Dome and a bit of the Appalachian Trail. It was so beautiful and so much fun. I love how open everyone is here to building friendships."

"Last night, Ash talked about being Ebenezers and pure reflections of Jesus. He spoke with incredible passion. He told a story about his daughter Melissa who jumped off the roof knowing he would catch her...He said we need to stop maturing and become more child-like. He told a story about running through the aisles in the grocery store with his daughter in the cart. He said he saw a man in a wheelchair who couldn't reach the ketchup. He got it for him and forgot about him. That night he and his daughter were praying and she wanted to pray for the man with no legs. In his maturity, he prayed he would be blessed and would feel no pain for the rest of his life. His daughter prayed for legs. He said in our prayers we should pray for legs...we should be crazy, radical, almost foolish in our faith. I want radical faith."

"Day off today. It's raining and I love it. I woke up to run and God had other intentions. Instead, I finished my study and played my guitar. The rain made music around me."

"Nichole's bed is empty. She left this morning for her Greyhound to go to Chicago. It's so weird with her gone. Lord, please guard my friend's heart and hold her tight to you. I love her and am thankful for te time I had with her this summer."

"Tonight Derrick, Dave, and I went to Legends in Gatlinburg and hung out. We had great conversation about the future and how we're okay with the fact that we don't have a 10-year plan or even a 5-year plan. I am at peace with this thought."

"Last night was the un-birthday party and Emily Martin wrote me the sweetest letter. It was full of how God loves me and thinks I am more beautiful than the mountains. That's such an awesome thought."

"I was feeling spontaneous after work today, so I cut myself some bangs. I like them. They make me feel sassy."

"Things I don't want to forget about this summer:

• Dance parties in Cabin 9
• Skinny dipping at Green Briar with Britt
• Convos with Claire, Britt, and Nichole before bed
• Making dinner with Skaar
• 50 cent ice cream
• 4th of July with my parents
• Star-gazing with Lindsey
• Corey, Zeke, Dixie
• Playing guitar with Kyle
• Small group fun night-seeing Karate Kid
• Reading and discussing The Irresisitable Revolution with Dave
• Seeing Joseph's Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat with Lindsey/Terra and Mckenzie/Kyle
• Jacob thinking I'm a violin player
• Deleting Ben and Mandi
• Frisbee golf with Kyle, James, Josh, and Vogan
• Letters and packages in the mail
• Splash with mom, dad, chels, and gabe
• Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and Dan in Real Life
• Blindside: Movie on the lawn
• Jumping off the sinks with Tori
• Cutting myself bangs
• Making a collage
• Singing about Tin Roof with Kyle
• Good convo with Nichole when we first got here
• Farmer's Market with Dave
• Turkey Creek with Dave, Kevin, Emily, and Tori
• Granny's 80th Birthday party
• Hiking the Chimneys/Clingman's Dome
• Cosmic Bowling
• Brown Team Scavenger hunt with Autumn, Dylan, and Britton
• Picture with Dolly
• Skit Night: Justin Bieber
• Talking with Sam after Inception in the lounge
• Riding roller coasters with Lindsey and Kacie Lynn
• Dancing in the pouring down rain with Tori, Emily, Lindsey, Jen, Heidi, and more!
• Talent Night"

"What a glorious mystery You are. You are so fun. Tonight it rained--poured--the most magical summer rain. It was amazing. Freeing. You lifted my spirits with it. I love that You give me moments like that with You where I can dance and celebrate this life You've given me."

"Thank you for beautiful friends who teach me so much about myself and about You."

What beautiful memories. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Jesus Camp and Boyfriends...

In my Sociology of Religion class we are watching the film called Jesus Camp. It is highly disturbing. It's all about extreme, evangelical Christians, and if I were not a Christian, it would literally scare me to death. But because I am, it only makes me angry....and sad. It makes me angry because I can't believe people can be so ignorant. I can't believe that people are so extreme and so close-minded. It makes me sad because these children, these beautiful children, are being raised in homes and socialized into these roles. They are learning about the fury and judgment of God. They are being chastised for wanting to read Harry Potter, for dancing "from the flesh," for thinking global warming is real, for not witnessing to their friends enough. These kids are walking on egg-shells. What makes me most sad is that they may never know the unbelievable depths of God's love and mercy. Their religion is not freeing them...it's putting them in further bondage. No wonder the world hates Christians.

It makes me sad to think that people don't know what it's like to be loved by the God of the universe. They don't know about the Jesus who hung out with prostitutes and tax-collectors and fishermen. They don't know the Jesus who loves...and they're slapping his name on their own messed up beliefs and politics.

Yesterday I went to church and sat in the back row, not expecting to really worship. I actually just went to pay my tithe if I'm being honest. But unexpectedly, I was moved to tears during this song:
Revelation Song

The words of that song are incredible.

The message was about the word "disciple." It was brilliant. It spoke to me right where I am, especially one part of his message that said something like, "Discipleship is not just a program, it's a life-long commitment." This spoke to me because I've been thinking how much I want to go back to DFocus...how much I want to be in a community of people who love God and who are searching and who are open to one another. And it's like God was trying to say to me in that message that my whole life should be about discipleship. I should crave and be in community with people who love God all the time. Now I get it. In a way, it's what Dennis and Shanna at DFocus were trying to get across to us all along...life goes on. But so should discipleship.

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On a way different note...

Lately I've been longing for a boyfriend...I mean more than I usually do. It's really weird. I've gone for over a year now being single and not even going on a date with someone, and I really miss it. I honestly miss it. I mean, I know I can't snap my fingers and make the man of my dreams stand before me, but if I did...he would be the coolest guy ever. He would have red hair, an awesome laugh, and a craving for adventure. Oh yeah.

All sorts of things go through your head when you've been single for a while, like "Am I just not pretty enough?" "Am I cold or unapproachable?" "Am I not fun enough?" "Do I smell?"  Maybe so. OR just maybe I'm finally right where I need to be, with my life in order and my priorities in the right place. Maybe it's because I'm not settling for anything less than love. And maybe that means I'm gonna have to wait a while.

The best part is, when I do finally meet him, he's probably going to be different from anything I've ever expected...and those people are always the best kinds of people.

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

When I was a kid, Are You Afraid of the Dark was one of my favorite shows. I remember hearing the intro from another room and running to see what episode it was, and if it was going to be a new one. All of them were pretty creepy, but the scariest one by far was about this little silver man who was a virus and was going to invade this kid's mind. I had nightmares about that little dude. Anyway, today I found the episode of it, and it took me way back. I can't believe how much I remember from it. I also can't believe that it still creeps me out just a bit. I linked the episode here (it's in three parts):

Are You Afraid of the Dark? : The Tale of the Renegade Virus 1
Are You Afraid of the Dark? : The Tale of the Renegade Virus 2
Are You Afraid of the Dark? : The Tale of the Renegade Virus 3

Creepy, huh? I had totally forgotten about "the midnight society" and throwing the sand into the fire. They just don't make 'em like they used to.

Our Suitcase of Questions

Today I got to hang out with my beautiful campaigner girls. It was glorious. After a little craft session, we went to Skinny Minniz and ordered 3 volcanoes to eat. And then, of course, we played at the park. I love hanging out with them.

After thrifting last week, we found an old suitcase. We had the idea of mod podging pages from an old Bible we found onto the suitcase and then adding pictures of ourselves and pictures from things we do in Campaigners. Today we decorated it, and after spilling glue everywhere and laughing hysterically, we started to see the masterpiece we were creating come together. All hands on deck, covered in glue. Such a great memory.

My girls told me they want this to be their Campaigner suitcase that goes with us everywhere we go and meet. I told them I want them to fill it up with their questions, their thoughts, their memories, their prayers. I want it to be safe place for them to throw in whatever they want...and for us to go through together, to talk about, to fill up with whatever is on our hearts. It's so cool that these girls have let me hang out with them and get to know them....and it's even cooler to think about what God is going to do through Campaigners.

This week at club, I got to talk about our need for Jesus. I got to look out at the crowd of Lenoir City High School teenagers and see their faces. I got to look them in the eye, and I got tell them about Jesus. Me. A scared, nervous, introverted girl got to be the mouthpiece of the Lord. I never ever ever ever ever thought I would be doing something like that...especially to teenagers.

Earlier this week, one of my girls who I've known since I became a leader talked to me on a bench at the park. We talked about all kinds of stuff. Hurtful stuff. Memories. Laughter. Parents. Sex. Friendships. It was amazing. I thought about how a year ago if you would have asked me if I had a close relationship like that with one of my girls, I wouldn't have been able to say yes. I also thought about how that's okay...and how if it took a year for one girl to open up to me and trust me like that, it's been worth it. What a privilege and an honor we have as young life leaders to chase after kids and point them to Jesus. I take it for granted.

Calling

This week has been strange. After a bad weekend of not making hardly any tips, I at least got to go thrifting with my campaigner girls and chill at the new Skinny Minniz, which is pretty legit by the way. It might be one of my new favorite places. Anyway, that lifted my spirits, but then Tuesday I was late for work. I looked at my schedule wrong and was 45 minutes late. That's the same day that one of my young life girls texted me with some hard stuff. Some stuff that made me cry and made my stomach hurt. And then tonight, after making the lowest amount of money I've ever made on a Wednesday night, I find out that my best friend had a head-on collision that it is a miracle she survived from. I'm still thanking God that she is okay.

A few minutes ago I was thinking about all this, and I thought to myself, "Why is all of this happening? Is there a reason?" Then it hit me. I'm giving the talk tomorrow at young life club. Not just any talk, the need talk. It's been on my mind since last Thursday. This is the first time that God has let me know way in advance what passage in scripture I am going to use, which tells me that their are kids who are coming whom he wants to hear it.

It's so funny because even though these things were probably meant to hinder me or make me feel down and out, they've encouraged me. They've encouraged me because I know that good things are coming.

On a different note, I spent some sweet time with the Lord today. I read a passage from 1 Samuel Chapter 3, and I want to share about what I read there. Basically Samuel is lying in the temple in a dimly lit room feeling pretty sleepy. The bible says his, "eyes were becoming so weak, he could barely see." I love that.

Anyway, so God comes and literally calls saying, "Samuel!" Samuel thinks that it is this guy Eli calling to him from the other room so he runs to him. Eli tells him it wasn't him, so he goes back to lie down again. This happens two more times before Eli realizes that God is calling Samuel, so he says, "Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, 'Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.'" So Samuel goes back to lie down again. And this is my favorite part. It says, "The Lord came and stood there, calling as at the other times, 'Samuel! Samuel!'"

This literally made me laugh out loud as I sat in my car at the Maryville Sonic. I.Love.That. I just imagine God coming and standing in the room all four times that he called him, and every time Samuel ran from the room, God just choking back his laughter from the shadows thinking, "He has no idea I'm standing here!' It made me have flashbacks to being a kid and playing hide and seek. I remember burrowing into a closet or under the bed and watching the seeker run by me and seriously convulsing with silent laughter as they would run by.

But then I thought, no...no. God wouldn't laugh as Samuel ran by. He would get restless. He would sigh and then pace the room, like a lover waits on the woman he loves to answer his call...to notice him, to listen to him. Like a man who longs to run away with the woman he loves and marry her and share his secrets with her.

And then I thought, but that's still not it. He's like the father calling to his son...calling to his son and wanting him to answer him the first time he calls. He's like the father wondering why it took three whole times for his son to answer his call.

I wrote all of these down in my journal, and then it occurred to me. You are all of those things...You are the laughing child wanting us to come play with you, to go on an adventure with you. You are the lover who wants us to marry you, to be intimate with you. And you are the father, who wants to guide us, direct us, and discipline us. You are all of those things, all of those things I love. 

I love how God can take a single line of scripture and tell me so much about himself through it. It makes my heart feel light.

Apologies

Have you ever been hurt by someone, hurt in a way that can't be expressed in words, so it becomes a sort of backpack full of unwanted, heavy weight pulling you down and hindering you from moving forward? I've been hurt in this way. In fact, a year ago I was hurt by someone I really cared about, someone I was vulnerable with, someone I told secrets. I trusted him, and he treated me with sarcasm, while carelessly ripping my heart to shreds.

The good news is that I finally had the courage to stand up to him and say I would be affected by him no more. I told him I never wanted to speak to him again. This may sound drastic or even harsh, but believe me, it needed to happen. And I'm so glad it did. Within the past year, I have grown so close to God in the realest and rawest ways. I have gained self confidence. I have started to really ask God for direction before I ask for it from others. Most importantly, I've learned that I do not need a man to make me joyful and complete--or rather, my joy cannot be affected by any outside source. Along with this, I looked at some of my Christian brothers and observed just how beautifully they loved their wives, their girlfriends, themselves, and/or God, and I realized for the first time ever that I deserve to be loved like that by a good man.

Well, eventually I forgave this person, even to the point that I could laugh about memories I had with him. Yet, I still carried around this weight--this weight of wondering if he hated my guts, wondering if he even cared about my existence, and dread for the inevitable day in the future that I would bump into him in some public place.

All these fears fled Tuesday when he asked if he could meet me and talk to me. It was so bizarre, but God prepared my heart for that moment in such a way that it was like talking to him the same way we used to talk in high school as best friends. After catching up for a while, he looked at me and said something to this extent:

"I went to church Sunday, and the message was reconciliation. Immediately, I thought of you. I swear that every day since the last day we talked, someone has said something or something has happened to remind me of you. I wondered why God kept bringing you up when I have been trying to move on with my life, but Sunday it hit me: 'You never apologized to her.' And after this message, yesterday my mom asked me if I'd talked to you in a while. And then to top it all off, I was watching my favorite show Castle and the girl on the show was having boy problems. She was complaining to her dad that boys always just try to justify their behavior instead of just giving a simple, 'I'm sorry.' And then I realized, that is what I did to you. I was doing it all along and I never told you I'm sorry. So I want you to know that I am sorry. You were my best friend, and I treated you like dirt. I'm sorry."

I'm sorry.

I am not capable of expressing how quickly and how marvelously those weights lifted off my shoulders at these words. How healing those two little words can be! What a comfort it is when wrongs are made right, when enemies become friends once more, and when rain turns into sunshine.

Closure. That is what I have. It's water under the bridge, my friends. And I stand relieved and victorious over it all.


Thank you, my God, for the many infinite and intricate ways you love me.

Throw me overboard...

"From the heights we leap and go
To the valleys down below
Always answering to the call
To the lowest place of all
From the heights we leap and go
To the valleys down below
Sweetest urge and sweetest will
To go lower, lower still" -Hannah Humard

After an upsetting night at work last night, I cried all the way home. I was just so angry.

I was angry at people who both yelled at me at two separate points in the night. I was angry that I got a QSA, which means I lost the company money, all because I dropped two chips from a dirty plate into a lady's basket of fries (which I offered to replace). She basically got her rack of ribs for free after making my life and my manager's life miserable for a few minutes. I was angry because I had to work so late for the third night in a row. I was angry because I was walking out the door with way less than I thought I had made (I was convinced that my manager had made a mistake in his calculations when I checked out). I was angry because I had to clean tables that weren't in my section. I was just angry.

And after crying all the way home and eating some junk food out of guilt, I went to bed still feeling angry.

Reluctantly, after I woke up I decided to spend some time with God today. I'm still in awe of what I read and how it spoke to me.

Jonah 1-2:10

Basically, it was just the story of Jonah...one I have heard and read many times. You know how it goes...God tells him to go to Ninevah. He says no and runs from God on a boat with some strangers in the opposite direction to a place called Tarshish. A huge storm comes and the sailors are freaking out worshiping all of their gods to try and fix the situation. Meanwhile, good-for-nothing Jonah is deep asleep in the lower deck. The sailors wake him up and they cast lots to see who is the cause for the storm. It lands with Jonah and he confesses that he is running from God. This terrifies them. And that's where I'll pick up:

"The sea was getting rougher and rougher. So they asked him, 'What should we do to you to make the sea calm down for us?'

'Pick me up and throw me into the sea,' he replied, 'and it will become calm.'"

Throw me into the sea?! 

What the heck. When I read this, I was like, "That dude was crazy." For the first time in my life I realized just how insane that statement was.

I mean, what was going through his head when he was flying through the air, hurling toward the raging sea below? In the dark? Was he thinking he was going to die? Was he thinking he deserved it? Was he angry with God? Was he angry with himself? Did he see the huge "fish" coming toward him to swallow him and think, "This is it. I am going to die"?

I contemplated that for a few seconds and moved on to read Jonah's prayer while he was in the belly of the huge fish God sent to swallow him. I want to share it, and I can't paraphrase it. It's just too powerful.

"In my distress I called to the LORD, and he answered me. From the depths of the grave I called for help and you listened to my cry. You hurled me into the deep, into the very heart of the seas, and the currents swirled about me; all your waves and breakers swept over me. I said, 'I have been banished from your sight; yet I will look again toward your holy temple.' The engulfing waters threatened me, the deep surrounded me; seaweed was wrapped around my head. To the roots of the mountains I sank down; the earth beneath barred me in forever. But you brought my life up from the pit, O LORD my God" (Jonah 2:2-6).

I was now crying out of love for my Father and how he speaks to me. How he does answer when I call on him...even reluctantly.

I hate that it took a really bad night at work for me to realize that I have deeper hurts and reasons for running from God and not wanting to spend time with Him. But I love that God uses those most unexpected moments to draw me nearer to his heart.

My prayer now: "Throw me into the sea." Where are those low places you want me to go? Who are those "low" people you want me to know? What prayer is it you want me to pray in the depths of my life, from the depths of my heart? What height must I jump from to make the storm calm down? Make me willing, God. Make me willing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qv7ZKQJAyk

"I called. You answered. And you came to my rescue...I want to be where you are." Wherever that may be.