Apologies

Have you ever been hurt by someone, hurt in a way that can't be expressed in words, so it becomes a sort of backpack full of unwanted, heavy weight pulling you down and hindering you from moving forward? I've been hurt in this way. In fact, a year ago I was hurt by someone I really cared about, someone I was vulnerable with, someone I told secrets. I trusted him, and he treated me with sarcasm, while carelessly ripping my heart to shreds.

The good news is that I finally had the courage to stand up to him and say I would be affected by him no more. I told him I never wanted to speak to him again. This may sound drastic or even harsh, but believe me, it needed to happen. And I'm so glad it did. Within the past year, I have grown so close to God in the realest and rawest ways. I have gained self confidence. I have started to really ask God for direction before I ask for it from others. Most importantly, I've learned that I do not need a man to make me joyful and complete--or rather, my joy cannot be affected by any outside source. Along with this, I looked at some of my Christian brothers and observed just how beautifully they loved their wives, their girlfriends, themselves, and/or God, and I realized for the first time ever that I deserve to be loved like that by a good man.

Well, eventually I forgave this person, even to the point that I could laugh about memories I had with him. Yet, I still carried around this weight--this weight of wondering if he hated my guts, wondering if he even cared about my existence, and dread for the inevitable day in the future that I would bump into him in some public place.

All these fears fled Tuesday when he asked if he could meet me and talk to me. It was so bizarre, but God prepared my heart for that moment in such a way that it was like talking to him the same way we used to talk in high school as best friends. After catching up for a while, he looked at me and said something to this extent:

"I went to church Sunday, and the message was reconciliation. Immediately, I thought of you. I swear that every day since the last day we talked, someone has said something or something has happened to remind me of you. I wondered why God kept bringing you up when I have been trying to move on with my life, but Sunday it hit me: 'You never apologized to her.' And after this message, yesterday my mom asked me if I'd talked to you in a while. And then to top it all off, I was watching my favorite show Castle and the girl on the show was having boy problems. She was complaining to her dad that boys always just try to justify their behavior instead of just giving a simple, 'I'm sorry.' And then I realized, that is what I did to you. I was doing it all along and I never told you I'm sorry. So I want you to know that I am sorry. You were my best friend, and I treated you like dirt. I'm sorry."

I'm sorry.

I am not capable of expressing how quickly and how marvelously those weights lifted off my shoulders at these words. How healing those two little words can be! What a comfort it is when wrongs are made right, when enemies become friends once more, and when rain turns into sunshine.

Closure. That is what I have. It's water under the bridge, my friends. And I stand relieved and victorious over it all.


Thank you, my God, for the many infinite and intricate ways you love me.