Throw me overboard...

"From the heights we leap and go
To the valleys down below
Always answering to the call
To the lowest place of all
From the heights we leap and go
To the valleys down below
Sweetest urge and sweetest will
To go lower, lower still" -Hannah Humard

After an upsetting night at work last night, I cried all the way home. I was just so angry.

I was angry at people who both yelled at me at two separate points in the night. I was angry that I got a QSA, which means I lost the company money, all because I dropped two chips from a dirty plate into a lady's basket of fries (which I offered to replace). She basically got her rack of ribs for free after making my life and my manager's life miserable for a few minutes. I was angry because I had to work so late for the third night in a row. I was angry because I was walking out the door with way less than I thought I had made (I was convinced that my manager had made a mistake in his calculations when I checked out). I was angry because I had to clean tables that weren't in my section. I was just angry.

And after crying all the way home and eating some junk food out of guilt, I went to bed still feeling angry.

Reluctantly, after I woke up I decided to spend some time with God today. I'm still in awe of what I read and how it spoke to me.

Jonah 1-2:10

Basically, it was just the story of Jonah...one I have heard and read many times. You know how it goes...God tells him to go to Ninevah. He says no and runs from God on a boat with some strangers in the opposite direction to a place called Tarshish. A huge storm comes and the sailors are freaking out worshiping all of their gods to try and fix the situation. Meanwhile, good-for-nothing Jonah is deep asleep in the lower deck. The sailors wake him up and they cast lots to see who is the cause for the storm. It lands with Jonah and he confesses that he is running from God. This terrifies them. And that's where I'll pick up:

"The sea was getting rougher and rougher. So they asked him, 'What should we do to you to make the sea calm down for us?'

'Pick me up and throw me into the sea,' he replied, 'and it will become calm.'"

Throw me into the sea?! 

What the heck. When I read this, I was like, "That dude was crazy." For the first time in my life I realized just how insane that statement was.

I mean, what was going through his head when he was flying through the air, hurling toward the raging sea below? In the dark? Was he thinking he was going to die? Was he thinking he deserved it? Was he angry with God? Was he angry with himself? Did he see the huge "fish" coming toward him to swallow him and think, "This is it. I am going to die"?

I contemplated that for a few seconds and moved on to read Jonah's prayer while he was in the belly of the huge fish God sent to swallow him. I want to share it, and I can't paraphrase it. It's just too powerful.

"In my distress I called to the LORD, and he answered me. From the depths of the grave I called for help and you listened to my cry. You hurled me into the deep, into the very heart of the seas, and the currents swirled about me; all your waves and breakers swept over me. I said, 'I have been banished from your sight; yet I will look again toward your holy temple.' The engulfing waters threatened me, the deep surrounded me; seaweed was wrapped around my head. To the roots of the mountains I sank down; the earth beneath barred me in forever. But you brought my life up from the pit, O LORD my God" (Jonah 2:2-6).

I was now crying out of love for my Father and how he speaks to me. How he does answer when I call on him...even reluctantly.

I hate that it took a really bad night at work for me to realize that I have deeper hurts and reasons for running from God and not wanting to spend time with Him. But I love that God uses those most unexpected moments to draw me nearer to his heart.

My prayer now: "Throw me into the sea." Where are those low places you want me to go? Who are those "low" people you want me to know? What prayer is it you want me to pray in the depths of my life, from the depths of my heart? What height must I jump from to make the storm calm down? Make me willing, God. Make me willing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qv7ZKQJAyk

"I called. You answered. And you came to my rescue...I want to be where you are." Wherever that may be.