Regrets

Today was graduation rehearsal for the graduation that really isn't my graduation. I don't know how I feel about this. I don't know how I feel about a lot of things.

As I sat in that crowded gymnasium and looked around the room, I realized I knew less than half of the people in that room--less than half of the people in my own graduating class. It's hard not to feel regret about not living on campus, about not being more involved in clubs, about not singing in choir, about not putting myself out there more. Each year I would tell myself that I would do more, that I would push myself more but now it's almost over. The good thing is I have one semester left to make it count.

I don't mean to sound disappointed or ungrateful. Many beautiful people have come into my life because I was able to stay home for the past four years. I got to spend great time with my family, work at a job for almost five years (which looks really good on a resume), and do young life. I don't regret staying home. I regret not trying to make more friends at Maryville College. College only comes once.

I hate feeling like an outsider at my own college. I felt like a little girl again today, like on my first day of kindergarten. I got panicky walking into that room with all of those people. I just don't even know what's wrong with me.

Moral of the story: Never feel like you're not good enough, not cool enough, not pretty enough to know people or to fit in. I let myself feel that way coming into college and it crippled me. Not anymore. I'm going to be an active participant in my life. I'm going to take advantage of opportunities to make new friends and branch out. I'm going to stop feeling trapped and lonely and scared, and I'm going to let myself live. Here's to life! I'm diving in headlong...

Will you join me?