The I in Me

Devotion Today read:
"At every moment you choose yourself. But do you choose your self? Body and soul contain a thousand possibilities out of which you can build many I's. But in only one of them is there a congruence of the elector and the elected. Only one--which you will never find until you have excluded all those superficial and fleeting possibilities of being and doing with which you toy, out of curiosity or wonder or greed, and which hinder you from casting anchor in the experience of mystery of life, and the consciousness of the talent entrusted to you which is your I." (Markings by Dag Hammarskjold)

Starting college, I had no idea who I wanted to be. My advisor, Dave Powell, would laugh every time I came into his office because my major changed so frequently and so diversely (Kindergarten Teacher to Outdoor Recreation major to English to Nursing to Sociology to International Studies to ...). I loved the thought that I could be anyone I wanted. I could imagine myself in all these different roles. What I didn't love was choosing just one "me" to be. That was the part that was painful.

To this day I still grasp on to something my advisor told me. He said the beautiful part is that our calling will change throughout life. We don't have to pick one career path and stick to it until the day we die, unless of course we find that is exactly what we were made to be.

And that person I am made to be - well she will change too.

This made it easier to pick my major when I realized my major wouldn't chisel my life into stone. I wish so badly I could go back even now and let myself know how much that major didn't matter for my life now. I wish I could go back and tell her to take more art classes and to actually muster up the guts to join choir and sing for the fun of it. Not that I regret my college experience - it probably happened exactly like it was supposed to happen. In fact, I know it did. I just wish I could have told myself how much my God-given interests, hopes, and dreams would have driven me in my real life.

Fast forward to now. I live in Arizona with my husband in a sweet little apartment. We just moved here a little over a month ago (that's enough for a whole other blog post), and I don't have a job yet. On the one hand, I'm bored out of my mind. On the other hand, I'm thinking this is the time I get to dig deep and ask God who I'm supposed to be right now. Not what. Who.

Soon we will have kids (Lord willing) and I will probably have a job (hopefully one that makes me feel fulfilled), and I won't have time to sit and ask myself, "Who am I?" But now I have loads of it. I have time to find I. Like the quote above says, I toy with who I am out of so many different places but I never have truly stopped to ask who I am.

So here goes. I will ask myself questions. I will try new things. I will take classes and read books and join a gym. I will pray and read the word and will look deep within. And I will find myself...for now.